Excerpt from Things We Will Miss:

CONQUEST 

Have you ever been occupied by a foreign nation? Have you ever had your supplies cut off by a geoglobal conflict knocking at your door? Have you ever had to bury your child in the backyard because they ran out of room in the mass graves? Conquest here with a great new product from 4H industries: the Hidey Hole! Mass killings got you down? No need to frown: crouch down in your little hole in the ground. Pass privately, quietly, mess free into that beautiful dreamless sleep. Call this toll free number and get yours today. (Hidey Hole not guaranteed to protect against climate havoc wreaked by the Global North; 4H Industries and its subsidiaries are not responsible for a failure to act in good faith on behalf of the citizens of the Global South; available only to those who can pay the exorbitant fee in full up front, while supplies last!)

WAR 

Roll up, roll up, getcha survival guides here! Set a rules that’s stood the test of time! From the salting of Carthage to the sacking of Rome to the basements of Hiroshima, outlast all manner of warfare from conventional to guerrilla to thermonuclear!

Step right up, folks! I present to you the most sacred, most de-tective, most e-ffective geiger counter modern currencies can buy! Guaranteed to spot any and all radon, argon, boron, car-bon, silicon, clorgon, pluton, and several other elements that may or may not be radioactive! 

Director (into the microphone)

Don’t forget Bismuth!

WAR

Bismuth! That’s item #2 in War’s no-fail-guaranteed nuclear armageddon survival kit: Pepto-Bismol! Sweet, pink bismuth! Don’t let dysentery spoil the glory of living in a barren nuclear winter! Guaranteed to work both posthumously and mostumously: BISMUTH! 

FAMINE

Ooh. Strange clockwork. What’s that smell? Mischief? Sweet, bloody mischief? I’ll call my agents; they’ll know what to do. This world tour’s been a hit down south, but I haven’t been stateside in millenia, you see, not since they wrote the Book of Mormon. No, wait, it would’ve been Columbus. That’s right: disease and hunger spreading across the land–NO! Come to think of it, it was the dust bowl! Speaking of, fresh out of water, but if you want some protein powder I’ve got loads galore. It’s plant based, in that it’s made from insects who mostly ate plants, but also occasionally ate each other. Big discount! Fire sale! Fresh out of the ovens, I mean, fresh off the press, well, fresh off the griddle, which is what I call the meatgrinder. 

DEATH

Hello. 

It’s me. 

Death. 

I’m calling about your extended warranty, and just so you know, if you hang up, I do have the right to kill you. That’s in the contract - you gotta read the fine print. 

Pay no attention to the empty vessel with the microphone. Simply sit back and enjoy the ride. If you’d like to re-up, deposit your soul in the nearest trash can and await further instructions. Don’t have your soul on hand? Oo. Bless your heart. You won’t last long when the judgment comes. That’s right, Mid-day Cowboys. Shake the sand of your boots and load up your AR15s, we’re gonna have us a good, clean killing spree, Old Testament style. Yee-fuckin’-haw!